


i should, but i don’t

by yoosungisbabie (macaronsforchat)



Series: MysMe Angst Week 2020 [3]
Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Depression, F/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-26
Updated: 2020-11-26
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:48:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27725038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/macaronsforchat/pseuds/yoosungisbabie
Summary: She’s lost her savor for life, but Jumin doesn’t want to lose her.
Relationships: Han Jumin & Main Character, Han Jumin & Reader, Han Jumin/Main Character, Han Jumin/Reader
Series: MysMe Angst Week 2020 [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2024801
Kudos: 53





	i should, but i don’t

**Author's Note:**

> prompt: apology / {tears}
> 
> also, please take a look at the tags! please don't read if any of those things are triggering to you <3

A gentle, orange glow had begun to fill the room at some point, but she hadn’t even noticed. Her eyes slowly wandered up the wall, gazing at the light the sunset was casting into their bedroom. It was her favorite time of day; the way the sun turned everything golden was undeniably beautiful, and it never failed to remind her of her husband’s smile. 

But the happiness she should have felt was completely absent. 

She watched Elizabeth the 3rd jump onto the bed, a quiet meow reaching her ears. The cat pranced over to her, curiously sniffing the woman lying across the bed diagonally. It was the fourth time Elizabeth had come to investigate, and not once had she found the strength to lift her hand to pet the cat. 

She met her pretty, blue eyes quietly, wondering what time it was. Before she could worry her hazy mind about Elizabeth’s feeding schedule, she heard the door to the penthouse open. 

She should have been able to move. She should have been eager to meet her husband and embrace him, but her body felt so heavy. Every small movement of her limbs felt like a mountain to climb, but she would have to force herself if she had any chance of convincing him she was alright. 

It was only when she heard Jumin call her name that she found the will to lift her body. She lowered her feet to the floor, standing slowly and ignoring the way her head pounded. There was little time to worry about her appearance before he stepped around the corner, his eyes curious and a little concerned. 

“There you are, my love,” he spoke gently, his suit jacket laid over his arm. She tried to smile convincingly, searching for the warmth she knew she should’ve been feeling at his presence. 

She moved to speak but then cleared her throat, not having spoken aloud since he’d left that morning.

“Sorry, I was dozing off,” she spoke, seeing his eyebrows twitch briefly. 

“Again? We should go to bed earlier,” he said, and she nodded slowly, glancing away while trying to think of something to change the subject.

“How was work?” she wondered, smoothing her sweater out to hide the shakiness of her hands before clasping them behind her back. 

He looked her over once, taking a step forward to kiss her cheek. 

“It went well. Though I missed you,” he spoke sweetly, staying close as he pulled away from the gentle press of his lips to her skin. She watched him quietly, trying on another smile that didn’t feel quite right. 

“I missed you too,” she whispered. It was true; when Jumin was there, she could momentarily distract herself from her own thoughts. Even though it was never near enough, she knew it was better than nothing. 

He hummed warmly at her words, leaning in to give her a brief, chaste kiss. She gazed at him when he pulled back, seeing an inquisitive look in his eyes. 

“How was lunch?” he wondered, turning to walk towards the couch. She was glad that his stare had left her, her distant eyes falling to the floor. 

“It was lovely,” she lied, hoping he would believe her. He laid his jacket over the back of the couch and retrieved his phone from his pants pocket as she continued to take steps closer.

“Are you hungry for dinner?” he asked, glancing back for her answer. She met his eyes, placing a steadying hand on the armchair before lowering herself into it. 

“Sure,” she smiled, watching as his gaze lingered on her for longer than she expected. He then turned away, looking back to his phone and remaining silent for a few moments. She stared at her hands, her eyes unfocusing as her thoughts made her head pound even more. 

“There,” Jumin spoke softly, placing his phone on the arm of the couch with the screen down. He stepped over and sat in the middle of the couch, drawing her gaze as he lightly patted the space next to him. 

“I’ve assured we’ll have no interruptions,” he said. It should have made her heart flutter, but instead, his words only added to the anxiety bubbling in her core. She stood from the chair carefully, her eyebrows furrowing together.

“What?” she wondered, not meeting his eyes as she sat down next to him. 

“I notified the chef that she won’t need to visit tonight,” he explained, making her gaze shoot to his. His eyes were already on her, and his eyebrows were drawn down in concern. 

“Why not?” she asked, her voice sounding much quieter than she’d intended. Her weak heart was racing in her chest, making her feel slightly faint and shaky. The expression on his face that was aimed at her made her feel guilty and vulnerable.

“There’s something bothering you, and I’d really like to know what it is,” he told her, a small frown turning the corners of his lips down. The speed of her heart made it a little hard to breathe, and she scrambled to quell his curiosity. 

“Jumin, I’m fine,” she smiled, placing a trembling hand on his knee. His eyes were still slightly hardened, so she went on. “I prom-”

“You can’t promise me,” he interrupted, making her flinch slightly. He placed his hand over hers, and he shook his head as he looked down at them. “You can’t promise me because it wouldn’t be true,” he said, his voice almost a whisper. The implication of his words and the pain in his eyes made tears gather in her own, so she closed her open mouth. 

A wave of panic washed over her at the vulnerability she felt. She’d tried not to be transparent with her feelings, but it was obvious that Jumin wasn’t convinced by her lies. Her nose stung as she tried to hold back her tears. 

She hadn’t cried for months; the act required so much energy, and she had hardly any to spare when the day was done. To have tears pooling in her eyes as her husband watched unsettled her, so she kept struggling to contain them.

“I d-don’t want to burden you,” she spoke shakily, her bottom lip trembling. She took it between her teeth, feeling a cold, heavy pressure settle against her chest. She couldn’t look at him.

“My love,” he whispered, gathering her hand in his and bringing it to his lips. He kissed her fingers softly as she watched, their eyes finally meeting as he ducked his head. “You could never,” he murmured, searching her eyes as her vision blurred with unshed tears. She released her bottom lip, shaking her head stubbornly. She didn’t believe him, no matter how much she wanted to. 

“Any worries of burdening me are unfounded,” he reasoned. She lowered her eyes, trying to blink back her tears but instead making a few spill down her cheeks. He lifted a warm hand, wiping them as they came and gently tilting her chin up. She met his eyes, seeing his worry and knowing that she’d already bothered him. 

“I love you, and I want to help,” he spoke softly. 

With those words, the dam inside her finally broke. She leaned forward, falling against his chest and sobbing loudly. She curled into herself and his embrace, feeling his arms wrap around her gingerly. It was something she didn’t deserve, but she felt like the only place he would let her hide from him was in his arms, so she stayed. 

All of the pent up emotion poured down her cheeks, was heard in her cries, and constricted her lungs. Once she’d let some escape, she couldn’t stop herself. 

And Jumin held her against him, letting her cry and saving his questions for when she was ready. His hands busied themselves by rubbing the tense muscles in her back and running through her hair. She tried to let him soothe her, but her heart felt so heavy. The thoughts that raced through her mind were terrifying and ceaseless. 

After a long while, her sniffles died down, and the grip of her hands in his shirt had released. It was only once their breathing had synced that he spoke up again. 

“Princess,” he called, pulling away slightly. She remained against his chest for a few quiet seconds, knowing she probably looked like a pathetic mess. But she eventually moved away, blinking back the last of the moisture from her swollen, heavy eyes as she met his worried gaze. 

Jumin seemed to study her, brushing the hair from her forehead and rubbing her cheeks. He held her face in his hands gently, pressing a delicate kiss to her reddened nose before pulling away again. His eyes had darkened, signaling the return of his curiosity. 

“Would you like to talk about it?” he wondered, his eyebrows raising slightly. She pressed her lips together, imagining what she would say and feeling like shutting down again. 

“I don’t--” she started, clearing her throat and sighing a little. “I don’t know if I can even explain it.” He stroked the line of her cheekbones with his thumbs, exhaling slowly with determination. 

“I’ll stay here all night if that’s what it takes. Please help me understand what’s hurting you so much,” he pleaded, making her heart twinge. His words helped her feel the sincerity and depth of his worry, so she took that shred of courage and ran with it. 

“Alright,” she nodded, gently backing out of his embrace. She pushed her hair behind her ears, pressing her back against the arm of the couch to face him and curling her knees into her chest. She wrapped her arms around her legs, trying to gather her thoughts as he watched her patiently. 

“I shouldn’t feel this way,” she started, trying to preface it but shrinking a little when she saw the shift in his eyes. He looked like he wanted to refute her statement, but he remained quiet, seeming intent on listening to her. She instead stared at his hands, noticing that they seemed tense as he locked them together in his lap. 

“I have no right to feel this way,” she continued, her voice hoarse and small. “I should be really happy. I know I’m so blessed and lucky to be living a life like this…” The ring on Jumin’s finger made hers feel heavy, another lump forming in her throat. 

“But I’m not. I don’t feel blessed or lucky or happy, and I’m so _angry_ at myself for that and--” Her voice cracked, tears gathering in the corners of her eyes once more. The same progression of scary thoughts that always plagued her played out in her mind, and thinking of saying it all out loud was enough to make her tremble again.

“I don’t…” she started, wondering how she could phrase her thoughts to make sure she didn’t anger Jumin. “I sometimes f-feel like…” She stopped herself with a sob, pressing her forehead into her knees. Was she really saying this to him? 

Taking a deep, shaky breath, she gathered all her courage, not daring to meet his eyes again. 

“Sometimes I don’t want to be here anymore,” she spoke slowly, squeezing her eyes shut as she imagined his expression. “Like...I want to end my life.” Her heart dropped, and nausea rose in her throat. Her heartbeat was loud in her ears as she waited for him to say something, _anything_ , but he didn’t.

So she lifted her head, peering at him and seeing his eyes shimmering with tears for the first time. The sight made her chest ache, emotion flooding through her again as more tears gathered. 

“I’m sor--” she started, stopping when he shook his head fervently. 

“Please don’t apologize,” he whispered, exhaling quickly before taking a deep breath. His face was contorted in pain, making a seed of guilt settle within her. 

A few moments passed before he was able to speak, and he started by meeting her wide eyes with a look of desperation. 

“I’m not the best at handling emotional situations,” he started, his voice thick. “But there are professionals who can help you, and I hope you’ll let them,” he spoke, reaching out and running a hand across her arm. 

“Because I love you _so_ much, and to see you in this much pain is…” He let out a shaky breath, his words making her heart stutter slightly. His eyes fell, and his Adam’s apple bobbed as he held back tears. Seeing him like that prompted her to uncurl from herself, shifting towards him and placing a hand on his shoulder. 

When he looked up at her again, she could feel the love and worry in his gaze, and it shocked her a little. 

“I’d like you to tell me whenever you feel that way,” he murmured, his eyes still shining with tears. “No matter the hour of the day or night. It’s not a disruption or a bother to me,” he urged, holding her chin up firmly but softly. She weighed his words, taking a few deep breaths before nodding. 

“Okay,” she agreed, seeing some of the tension in his shoulders release. He sighed out, leaning forward to press his forehead to hers. He felt much cooler compared to her, and his hand found hers as it rested on his shoulder and moved it to press against his heart. 

“Will you let me hold you?” he asked, the request nearly inaudible. She gazed at him, blinking in confusion as her weak heart fluttered in surprise. He sighed briefly, a soft smile gracing his lips as he returned her stare. 

“I don’t want to lose you,” he whispered, pressing a gentle kiss to the corner of her mouth. She watched him, feeling the warmth radiating from his body and the love emanating from his words. She nodded quietly as an answer, feeling her bottom lip tremble once more as he lifted her into his lap. He buried his face in her neck and pressed their bodies together tightly. It was enough to bring her to tears again, a small spark of hope spreading warmth through her whole body.

She closed her eyes as they held each other, trying to process and accept the bright feeling blooming inside of her. Crying had exhausted the last of her energy, and her head ached from all that had happened in such a short amount of time. But she knew Jumin cared because he had made sure to show her. 

And for the time being, that was enough.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you all for reading! i wrote this one before i knew about angst week as a comfort for me, so im not sure if anyone will enjoy it too much but i figured i should share it <3
> 
> happy thanksgiving to those who celebrate! 
> 
> [my mysme tumblr](https://yoosungisbabie.tumblr.com/) | [my ko-fi](https://ko-fi.com/macaronsforchat) | [my paypal](https://paypal.me/macaronsforchat?locale.x=en_US)


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